My Lost Christmas

I lost my husband this year to lung cancer. Three pack a day habit up until the bitter end. I got through our anniversary, our birthdays, Thanksgiving - but now Christmas. I cry every day. I can't listen to Christmas carols without realizing what I've lost. "I'll be home for Christmas - if only in my dreams" - a whole new meaning, a different context entirely. I sit at home with the dog, looking at the tree - I feel nothing. My house is beautiful - decorated to the hilt, but there is no joy.

I have three sons - all in wonderful relationships, a beautiful little grandson. No one lives at home anymore. I'm like an island. Everyone says, "you're so strong - you're the strongest person I know." What does that mean? That I don't need anyone? That's the perception of me? I'm alone for the very first time in 54 years. I dread Christmas morning. I just have to try and think of it as another Sunday. Just wake up Sunday morning, make some oatmeal, have a cup of coffee and ...

I don't even have presents under the tree. We're doing a grab bag. The person I pulled - only wants gift cards. WTF? Come on... I think they're getting a present anyway - gotta put something under the tree.

I have hope though. Hope that next year will be better, Hope that at some point I'll love myself enough to love someone new. Hope that I can get through a few more Sundays.